Why don’t more women propose to their male partners?

The Christmas period isn’t just for presents, twinkling lights, and lots of festive food, it’s also the perfect time for couples to get engaged. And for heterosexual couples, this can happen in a certain way. the man asks.

Traditional ideas about marriage are changing. In 2021, for the first time in England and Wales, more babies were born to unmarried parents than married parents. And many women do not change their surname to their husband’s after marriage and continue to use their own surname. However, wedding proposals are still considered a man’s job.

Despite this, some women choose to propose to their male partners. Our research investigated their experiences, explored their choices, and sought to understand why so few women take this step. We interviewed 21 women who suggested and researched social media conversations around this topic.

Of the 21 women we interviewed, the majority had positive experiences. One person was rejected, and the other realized that the partner who said yes was telling everyone that he had proposed.

In this example, the woman in our study proposed because her partner was a feminist and thought she would appreciate him asking her out. But when he took the story back, it exposed how uncomfortable he was with it, and the whole relationship fell apart.

Even if this description is not representative of the sample, it does indicate something relevant. In other words, the woman who proposes is doing something extravagant and unusual, and while it may not be publicly criticized, she is still breaking a taboo in modern wedding rituals.

Although the women in our study received a lot of support from those close to them, all experienced some form of rejection or negative judgment. They were told they were eviscerating their male partners, or ruining the magic of a marriage proposal.

Juliet, one of the women in our study, recalled her mother’s reaction. “I called my mom right away (…) Her first reaction was, why can’t I wait for him? And why should I, why should I?” “She was, but I want you to be in the moment.” ”

Juliet was surprised by this reaction. Especially since her mother was a punk when she was younger. Nevertheless, Juliet’s mother expected her to propose something more conventional, like a movie or a fairy tale. Despite these expectations, Juliet felt no need to wait and was proud of herself for taking the initiative.

Another participant, Rosa, talked about the backlash she received from her fiance’s family after she took the initiative to propose. It’s not so much about being a man, if that makes sense… They wanted us to be involved, but it wasn’t for me to do it. ”

Proposal scripts are difficult to change. These remain untouched because they are understood by family and friends as the only legitimate way of doing things, and are often internalized as such by women themselves as well. Women who tinker with the script are judged as “not doing it properly.”

new tradition

But our research also showed that not doing things properly can be an opportunity for playfulness and fun. Rather than giving a traditional diamond ring, the women we spoke to were choosing gifts that were creative, inexpensive, and tailored to their partner’s lifestyle. One woman said, “I baked him a pizza with ‘Please marry me’ written on it. His favorite food is pizza, so I thought it would be very romantic to make him a proposal pizza (…) bought a ring, that’s what we do.” Since we were rock climbing together, I bought him a silicone ring similar to a climbing ring. ”

A woman proposed with an inflatable balloon shaped like a diamond ring, showing how a female-led proposal can parody a strict script.

Most of the women in our sample did not know any other women who had proposed marriage. They knew that leap years were an acceptable opportunity for women who wanted to propose marriage. There are few examples in popular culture, and women often cite established culture, such as the Friends moniker.

However, this lack of role models is compensated for by online solidarity networks. Both our interviews and the social media platforms we surveyed show how women use digital spaces to share ideas, seek advice, and support each other. One person posted online: “This post made me realize that it’s not weird or ‘wrong’. It’s all up to the couple and I’m sure my boyfriend will love it too (…) It gave me the confidence to do this.” ,thanks so much” ! ”

Women often find themselves in a double bind and choose not to propose. Women are socialized to see a proposal as the pinnacle of love and dream of marriage, but they are judged on whether or not they take the initiative. This reproduces the stereotype that women are “always ready” to settle down, while men are not, which is why male partners are expected to display a committed attitude.

Women who propose marriage are often driven by sentiments of gender equality, but their efforts to change the script often confirm the dominance of existing sexist marriage rituals.

This article is republished from The Conversation under a Creative Commons license. Read the original article.